Me or my Culture?: Navigating Cultural Shame and LGBTQ+ Identity in Asian American Communities
For many LGBTQ+ Asian Americans, the journey toward self-acceptance isn’t just a personal one—it is a cross-cultural negotiation fraught with shame and the risk of family rejection. We often carry a weight that feels heavier than simple "closeting." It is a profound, ancestral weight: cultural shame.
In many of our cultures, concepts like filial piety and respect for our elders are the invisible threads that hold families together. But when these values are used to enforce silence, the cost is our very well-being and our ability to live life to its fullest.
A Story of Two Paths: Lessons from my Uncle and intergenerational healing
Growing up in a conservative, Presbyterian Korean family, I saw firsthand what happens when cultural shame is allowed to win.
I had a maternal uncle who lived in the shadows. He would bring his partner, Mike, to every family gathering, but Mike was always introduced as the "roommate". We all sat around the table in a performance that was all about saving face at all costs.
My uncle wasn't the happy, vibrant person he could have been when he was interacting with my family. In those family settings, he was irascible, mean, and deeply unhappy. However, in moments when it was just him and I, he was the complete opposite. He was caring, doting, loving, and free. As a closeted gay child watching him, the lesson was loud and clear: You can only be part of this family if you hide who you are. I saw that the price of "belonging" was to fragment and to code switch to something that was acceptable to the family. I saw that even if you stayed at the table, you were never truly "seen."
The "Language Barrier" as a Tool of Deflection
For those of us in the diaspora, this conflict is often complicated by a literal and figurative language barrier. In my own family, when I try to express my truth or set a boundary, my mother often deflects by stating that I simply "don’t understand Korean" well enough, or that I have misinterpreted her words.
This is a common form of cultural gaslighting. It frames our identity as a "Western misunderstanding" rather than a fundamental truth of who we are. By blaming the language barrier, families avoid engaging with the reality of our lives. It suggests that if we were "more Korean" or "more traditional", we wouldn't be queer. But the truth is, queerness is not a translation error—it is a human reality that has always existed in every culture, including ours.
Collectivism is Not Conformity
In our communities, we are raised with a collectivist mindset—the understanding that our lives are intertwined. However, it is vital to distinguish between healthy collectivism and forced conformity.
Collectivism is about interdependence. It values harmony and mutual support.
Cultural Conformity is about uniformity. It demands that everyone love the same way to maintain a status quo.
When family members suggest that being your authentic self is "selfish", they are confusing these two. My uncle chose conformity, but it didn't bring harmony to the family—it brought a palpable, toxic tension. True collectivism actually requires your authenticity. A community is only as strong as the health of its members.
Choosing a Different Path: Boundaries as Protection
I eventually realized I didn’t want to follow my uncle’s path. I chose a path that prioritized my happiness, my peace, and my mental well-being over the comfort of a family dynamic built on a lie and saving face at all costs.
In her book Drama Free, Nedra Glover Tawwab notes that "boundaries are the bridge to the relationship you want to have". For me, that meant holding strong boundaries with my family. I had to determine that my "best self" is one where I am protected from homophobia and intolerance. Accepting that to them, my growth will always be coded as a "disappointment" was the price of my freedom. I stopped trying to manage their emotions. I shifted my energy away from trying to be the "good Korean son" and toward being a whole, healthy human being free to be me unconditionally.
Strategies for Your Own Journey
If you are navigating the pain of family rejection or the isolation of being "low-contact", here is how you can protect your peace:
You get to control your coming out process: You are not required to share every part of your life with people who use that information to shame you or claim you "misinterpreted" them.
Trust Your Own Translation: If you feel hurt, judged, or erased, that feeling is real. It is not a result of a language barrier; it is a result of a lack of acceptance.
Release the identity of being “the Problem”: You are worthy of love and belonging. Who you are is not dishonourable or disrespectful. Your queerness isn’t a choice, it’s who you are.
Grieve the "Expected" Life: It is okay to mourn the family you deserved while you build the life you want.
The Power of Chosen Family
While the loss of biological family support is a deep and painful wound, it creates the space for Chosen Family. In the QTBIPOC community, chosen family isn't a "consolation prize". It is a radical, intentional community that understands you and allows you to belong without conditions. Chosen family allows you to practice your culture in ways that make sense to you and affirms who you are.
There is a radiant joy that comes when you stop hiding and step into being your whole authentic self. You become the ancestor or family member you needed when you were younger—the one I wish my uncle could have been for me.
You do not have to choose between your culture and your heart. You deserve to choose you. You deserve to belong to yourself.
Ready to belong and unpack your cultural shame and set better boundaries?
